No Safe Time

When I got pregnant with Ramen in March of 2003, I took that ultrasound picture with me to work and showed it to anyone who said, "How's your day going?" or "I have a reservation." (Oooh!! You have a reservation? I have a baby growing inside me! My super powers are far superior to YOURS!) Then, after I miscarried Ramen, I had to tell everyone who asked about him that I had lost him (lost him...that is such a stupid term. I know right where he is...he's not lost; just not with us.) and well, talk about awkward! People don't expect you to say your baby died; and when you do, the look in their eyes is something I don't like to see. Half of it is sympathy, and the other half is something I can't even describe. It's a look of horror and shock, like they can't believe that I'm talking about such a taboo subject.

When I got pregnant with Ravioli, I was a bit more cautious. I still told a few people, but not nearly as many. And I kept a mental list of everyone I told, so that I could "untell" them if I had to. And...I had to. We went to our first appointment, and there was nothing. I still don't know if I was actually pregnant or if it was a chemical or hysterical pregnancy.

Then...here came That Kid. Having learned my lesson, I kept the news to myself for the most part. Except...I was horribly sick with That Kid. I threw up every 30 minutes after I ate. A couple people at work *had* to know, and a couple people at work guessed when, in the middle of checking a guest in or taking a reservation I dropped everything I was doing and ran to the bathroom. Near the 11 week mark, I started sharing at work. Not telling every guest who told me they had a reservation, but, telling my co-workers. Those poor guests that I left high and dry standing at the desk while I ran to the bathroom...well...they just had to form their own opinions. :) I never really started showing with That Kid, in fact, my neighbors who saw me daily had no idea. I just showed up one day with a baby. Of course, this prompted the "Where did you get the baby from" questions, and I had fun saying, "You have 3 kids...I thought you knew this by now!"

After all that, I have found out there is no "safe time" to announce a pregnancy. My dear, dear friend V was pregnant with her 6th baby. After having several miscarriages, she went on to have 5 healthy boys, and was pregnant with baby Boy number 6. At 19 weeks, she found out her baby had no heartbeat. This week, she delivered her dear boy and had to go home with her arms empty. I'm quite sure V didn't think that once she was past her "safe time" that she would have to go untell everyone; and thankfully her friends are letting people know so that she doesn't have to do it herself.

There is no safe time. You pass your miscarriage mark, and you still worry. Every little change makes you stop and think..."I wasn't as sick today as I was yesterday..." is probably the biggest one for a while...and that sends you into a panic. If you're lucky enough to have a Doppler at home like I did with That Kid, you can check for a heartbeat once you hit the 13 week-ish mark. But if you're not, you become the crazy woman at the doctor's office, begging to come in for a heartbeat check. And the first few weeks before you see the doctor and know for certain your babe is safe (so far) are hell.

I say, CELEBRATE every baby. Don't let fear of the unknown keep you from enjoying every minute (even those spent over the toilet). Think of names. Think of dreams and wishes you have for the baby. Tell a few select people you know will support you and lift you up in prayer, even if you haven't even been to the doctor to confirm your pregnancy. Just don't shout it from the rooftops...yet. There will be plenty of shouting time. Or, don't tell anyone outside of your doctor and immediate family and closest friends...and let 'em wonder where the baby came from. :)